


if you were mine i could save you

by ILoveMisha2



Series: The end [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Apocalypse, Destiel - Freeform, Drug Use, Endverse!Cas, Happy Ending, Hurt, Language, Supernatural - Freeform, The End, accidental suicide attempt, endverse!Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-21
Updated: 2014-11-21
Packaged: 2018-02-26 12:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2652401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILoveMisha2/pseuds/ILoveMisha2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel finally gets his hunter back after a accident</p>
            </blockquote>





	if you were mine i could save you

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this has mentions of drug use, it also has cuss words *-*.  
> DIDCLAIMER: i own nothing but the story and make no money off this whatsoever.  
> If you have time you should check out my other work, thank you! :)

I heard Dean’s voice swim through my haze. I didn’t want to wake up yet. I didn’t want to lose my happy place and wake up to a broken cause that I wasn’t sure we were going to win anymore. The only thing I was sure of was Dean. I was sure he wished me dead in more ways than one. I was sure he wished I had never existed. A slap to my face followed by freezing cold water pulled me out of my thoughts. It was so hard to come back up for air when I was content with drowning, but eventually I forced my eyes open as much as I could. I was graced with Dean right in front of me, knees on either side of my legs and a hand on my shoulder. Dean hadn’t gotten this close to me in years. His breath caressed my face and I expected it to be warm but it wasn’t. I must be burning up. He just stared at me waiting in what have must been panic and fear. I didn’t want him to move, to leave me alone yet again. I found it difficult to raise my hand up to grasp on to him and to speak. It was as if I was weighed down like sand. He sighed heavily, full of anxiety and I faintly felt his arms slide around me, hoisting me up into his arms. That was the last thing I remembered. I woke up in the infirmary, out of it, and earning a headache when I tried to remember last night’s events. I gave up on that quickly and settled with remembering this morning with Dean so close to me, to be able to linger in on his smell of leather and gun oil, his breath like sweet nothings on my face, and his arms carrying me, well, here I guess. I wonder why he still pretended to care about me, the camp junky. I knew if anything I caused more problems than I was worth. Him and God both probably hated me for the copious amounts of sins I suffocated in now. I realized now that I was sober, too sober. I had been in this bed all day but now I was shaky, trembling, my insides turned and I felt clammy all over. I started to examine myself more thoroughly and found that I could barely stand this pain. I was trying to calm myself down when I heard the heavy stomp of boots as if they demanded that they be heard. The curtain was swept away in what I can only place as annoyance as Dean stood in front of me, his hand unconsciously gripping his gun that was resting comfortably in his thigh holster. I managed a weak smile while trying to keep my mind off my pain and that just seemed to make him angrier. His hand dropped off his gun and balled into a fist to match his other one. He didn’t hesitate to speak this time.

“Dammit, Cas, what the hell is wrong with you! How many times are you going to do this to yourself, I mean were you trying to kill yourself? Well were you!”

“I don’t think I was.” 

“You don’t think so? What the hell does that mean?”

“Honestly, Dean, I’m hurting right now. I can’t think straight, I need pain meds or something.”

“No- I mean yeah, sure, but you’re not getting the ‘or something’.” 

I was surprised he gave the okay for the pain meds but I guess he wanted to talk to me and right now I wasn’t giving him much to work with. He knew that. He walked out for a few minutes then came back with a small cup of water and my treasure in his palm. He handed them off to me, being careful as not to touch me. 

“Thanks, Dean.”

“Yeah, whatever, um I hope those will work for you.”

“Yeah, there per-perfect.”

I knew relief was coming now and that made my brain clearer. I could tell Dean’s mind was anything but clear and he refused to focus on me, instead he was insistent on the side railing of the hospital bed as if it could help him some way. He had a faint grimace and worry lines on his face, the only two things to give his emotions away.

“It’s not like I had a choice but to give them to you. I only gave you enough to calm down, not wired like you seem to get.”

“Dean, I’m-“

“You know what? Save your bullshit, Cas, I don’t want to hear it.” 

“Dean.” 

I heard the whine in my voice. I knew he heard it to as he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes in concentration. 

“What happened to you, man? Why do you continue to do this shit?”

“What do you want me to say to you, Dean? That I fell too far this time, that I’m tired of being tired, that I was more content with killing myself than living another day on this earth with _you_?”

“I want the truth, Dammit!” 

I hate when he yelled at me, since the beginning of time I hated it. We weren’t supposed to be like this. This wasn’t supposed to be us, yet here we were hurting each other like we’d never have another chance to. 

“Fine, but you won’t like the truth, you never have . . . . Anyway, me being this way, it helps. I like being numb so I can forget things.”

“Forget what, losing your wings? I told you it wasn’t your fault, this is the end, Cas, you couldn’t help that shit.” 

“No, I think I’m actually fairing quite well without my wings. The only useful thing they did for me was help protect you.” 

He flinched at that. I understood why though. He hated when I spoke lovingly of him because that wasn’t us anymore and he wanted to bury it just like he did Sam. He didn’t want to feel but as far as I knew that part of us really was over for him. He didn’t want me anymore, and he didn’t want anyone to know he used to have me any way he wanted.

“Stop looking at me like that, Cas.”

“Sorry, I thought you wanted the truth?” 

“I-uh-yeah, I do.”

“Then stop hiding it, Dean! God, why is it so important for you to hide! What are you afraid of? That people will look at you differently if they knew about us, about how we-“

“Enough!”

“Great talk, Dean, really it was.”

“Why do you do this to me, Cas?”

He rubbed his temple looking so worn out. He needed to rest and it was evident. I couldn’t help but notice his tone was defeated, open, unlike his usual stone cold voice that would ring with unwanted authority. He was sitting in the chair next to my bed, so all I had to do was reach out an arm to touch him. I put my palm on his face, he slightly moved back in surprise but made no other move to back away. 

“Do what, Dean?” 

“You- never mind.” 

“I thought we were telling the truth.”

I dropped my hand, hurt. There was no winning with him. He never opened up and it sucked because we were never going to get anywhere with the way we were going.

“Don’t use that tone please, stop sounding so hurt.” 

“But I am hurt, Dean. You hurt me, and you keep on hurting me.” 

“You don’t think you hurt me too?” 

“I’m sure I have, but you don’t talk to me anymore! You never told me why! You never told me anything. I tried and tried and I couldn’t anymore. I had to get away from you, from the way you made me feel. The drugs were my only option because you gave me no other.”

He sat silently shocked for what seemed like an eternity, and I wasn’t about to rush him. Finally he spoke, eyes glistening while his elbows rested on his knee, hands intertwined, head resting on them. 

“You must hate me.”

“I thought I did.” 

“You should.”

“I couldn’t. I used to think I hated you so much but I realized that I hated myself for letting you do this to me; I mean I was an angel after all. I wasn’t supposed to fall so completely, I wasn’t supposed to be that obedient to a human. I wasn’t supposed to be that angel. I wasn’t supposed to rebel like Lucifer and feel bitter like Anna. I hated myself for feeling too much, even after I knew it was over, well over for you.”

“Shit, well, I’m sorry, Cas. If I would’ve listened to you I would’ve known.” 

“You know what, Dean, save your bullshit.”

“Cas, I-“

“I’m kidding. It’s okay.”

He smiled at that but soon it disappeared and that wiped mine away as well. He grabbed my hand hesitantly; I wasn’t going to hope that he had changed his mind about us. He must just feel sorry for me. 

“Do you want to know why I, uh, ended things?”

“I’ve been dying to know.” 

He scowled down at me but continued, obviously not amused with my word choices.

“I thought it would be good for us, keep us focused. The closer we got, the harder it would be for us to lose the other, and I thought if I walked away from that, that it could go back to what it was before or at least close to it. I never thought this would happen.”

He swept his hand across the space between us in a gesture, out of his element at trying to explain any further.

“It’s fine, Dean.”

“It’s not, if I had any idea that you cared that much . . . . I thought it was just me. That’s the kicker though, you. I wanted it to have the opposite effect on you than what it’s had. Looks like I screwed up again. I just always thought you acted this way because of losing your grace or something.” 

“So it wasn’t about others knowing?”

“God, Cas, when did you become so human? If you weren’t so liquored and drugged up all the time, you’d have known it wasn’t. They all know, they just never talk about it. It’s not like they were around to see it anyway.” 

“Oh, well I’m sorry I caused such an inconvenience.”

“You’ve never been an inconvenience, just your actions have. But mine have been too.”

“I can’t quite the drugs! What I mean is at least not, what’s the word?” 

“Cold turkey?”

“Yeah, that.” 

“I understand that, just please try. You don’t know how worried I was. God, Cas, I care about you a lot and if you had died . . . . “

“You care about me?”

“Yeah, of course I do.” 

“ I also care for you, but you knew that.” 

He stood and stretched out, looking out the window at the night sky. It was clear for once. 

“It’s getting late. I should go, you need to get some rest.”

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you stay, please?” 

He sighed out and looked at me testing my level of sincerity and need. He rolled his eyes and smiled down at me warmly. “Scoot over then.” I obeyed and moved as much as I could as he laid beside me, kicking off his boots. I looked at him for the first time in who knows how long, I mean really looked at him without the cloud to fog my mind. He was still perfect, still the man I gripped tight and raised from perdition. His freckles were still splayed upon his face in a manner I couldn’t get over, his eyes were still so green and full of life even though in front of people he tried to keep them at a solid dead pace. His lips were the same, full and beautiful. The only thing that had changed was our surroundings. He was frozen in time in a way I could get used to., in a way i had gotten used too. A million different memories filled my mind with a thousand of different feelings. His life meant the world to me, his forgiveness was the air I breathed, his presence was the light I needed. He was still everything to me.

“Stop staring at me, Cas, you know it’s impolite.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it.” 

“You see me every day anyway.”

“No I do not. I never really see you, not like I can right now.”

“Well stare all you want then.” 

He moved closer to me ignoring his own words, allowing me to lay my head on his chest and wrap my arm around him. 

“I’ve missed this. I’m glad you’re giving me this moment. I’m glad you pity me.”

“Pity you?”

“I know you love me, Dean, but you’re not in love with me”

“You’re going to make me say it aren’t you?” 

“I think I am.”

“You know I’ve never been good with saying how I feel. I mean we can’t jump back into what we used to be easily. It’s going to take a while, if you even want to . . . . Start over.”

“What? I’m not sure what you’re asking me of but whatever it is, yes.” 

"Cas, I – Dammit!”

He startled me with that unexpected burst, I sat up with a jolt and I saw the fierceness in his eyes, and watched that feeling swallow him whole as he put his hands on either side of my face and pulled me down to him into a kiss that sent flames through my body as soon as our lips touched. The flames started on my lips and licked down my throat as I granted him access but I swear the fire started in my heart. I swear it broke me in-two. The pureness of it would’ve scared me if I hadn’t felt it before. I didn’t want the fire to stop, I wanted to feel it deep in my bones because I knew from experience how sacred it was. I wanted to stay like this forever. I was afraid this was a dream but he was all too real for that. His hair was so soft under my touch, his head tilted into my palm, he was so warm against me. This was better than any drug, they couldn’t even compare to him. I wanted to tell him but instead I showed him with my own urgency. The fire of him seeped down into my mind and all I could think was ‘Dean, Dean, Dean’ like a prayer in my head that soon passed my lips. It was over all too soon as he pulled away to catch his breath, smiling at me, obviously intoxicated beyond belief from the stunt he pulled. He touched my face feather light and brushed my lips with his thumb. 

“I love you, Cas.” 

In that moment everything changed, Lucifer and the apocalypse no longer mattered. The end no longer mattered. It was me and him and everything in-between. I finally saw the good in the bad. I saw Dean.


End file.
